bethb's Diaryland
Diary
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a list of my shortcomings
there's a storm right now that's of spring time proportions.
everything in this building leaks. the last clap of thunder made me just about jump outa my skin. we meet the designer for r1chard 3 tomorrow. is it wrong that i'm hoping he's hot as opposed to a good designer? i just found out that AU has an arts management masters program through really stupid means. I was looking a writer of DCist up on the myspace (unnecessary definite articles y'all)and saw he had an MFA in arts mgt. he's still a stupid reviewer but at least i found an outlet maybe. every cloud, as they say... chester called me at home last night to tell me about the medium premire. i have to say, props to medium for utilizing that little girl actress. i find her strangely charming and would probably watch her read a phone book.
also, props to patricia a 1) for having the cutest hair ever and 2) her real life (and tv for that matter too i guess) husband ain't so bad either. i've grown really kinda fond of that show which is nice since loreli gilmore has boarded the train to crazy town and rory has befriended two of the most annoying girls ever. althouh rory's meltdown was comforting. ryan made fun of me, but seriously? i can't even count the times i would walk home crying in college because i had no idea what i was going to do. that's really the whole reason i went off to grad school in the first place. prolong the inevitable.
i think that's what broke me. the threat of the future. i was never really a crier. um...ever. but not knowing just freaked my shit out. i remember the night before i went to NYC for the URTA convention to meet with grad schools i set up my portfolio and i felt so amazingly inferior i started bawling and my mom (who was never really one to show emotions ever) walked in and said "what are you doing?"
not "why are you crying?" but "what are you doing".
i was truly unable to stop and it's like it opened some kind of dam in me. so when rory lost it, i'll admit, i teared up a little too. i guess because i'm feeling that way again. with having to find a new roommate, i'm convinced i'm never going to find someone who wants to live with me, and i feel like everything i make is bad and crooked and my paintings are stupid, and i'll never find another job or make signifigant money and i can't balance a check book and i'm too afraid to play bass guitar in front of people and then i see ron livingston all over the stupid TV and he reminds me of MH and then i think of how MH got engaged and might actually be married by now and then i get depressed for a whole 'nother set of reasons.
it's all just dumb. someone should lock me in a box and throw me off a bridge.
3:03 p.m. - 2006-11-16
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