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bethb's Diaryland Diary

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No one belongs here more than me

I'm trying an experiment. Like you do.
I got a book that rhymes with 'the schmappiness schmodrect" because why not?
I haven't been feeling happy lately. Except for driving home last night. maybe more on that later...*
There are many things about me that i don't like. I'm a ruminator. A tooth grinder. a snapper. an all-or-nothing-er. And most of all, I just haven't been feeling happy lately. It's pretty obvious to me what the main culprits are (W/not going to the gym/working 75-80 hours a week) One has taken care of itself. One is easily rectified. One is about to take care of itself.
Sometimes it really is as easy as writing the problem down to understand the scope of it.
One of the nagging culprits is 'am i doing what i want to be doing?'
The answer is no. but i don't know if i want to tackle that right now. I mean, here anyway. I'm about to tackle in my living room (or at least write it down as soon as i log off this thing)
But I'm reading this book, taking and making notes, to see if it works. I think probably the real key to happiness is to be more self aware and to be able to recognize and follow what makes you happy and then doing that- within reason.
There was a line in 'You me and everyone we know'** where Christine is buying shoes and the shoe salesmen/love-ish interest says something like "You think you deserve this pain and you don't" and I think a lot of us do that- put up with things that are "just good enough" that maybe don't physically maim us or make us bleed but still cause us enough mental and physical discomfort that we're achingly conscious and unhappy about those choices. It's time to let go of that.
* Last night coming home from the studio at 10pm I felt really good. Really good. I wasn't tired. I wasn't achey. I felt balanced and satisfied. Whether it was the cup of coffee I had for dinner (my dinner was a turkey and cheese sandwich and a venti coffee from starbucks which is such an old man dinner but it was so good) or that I did get a new sewing machine that was behaving properly and working really well or that the morning was just non-stop flurry of motion and ridiculousness including snapping at a coworker that USED THE BATHROOM MOP TO CLEAN UP SPILLED WATER FROM A TABLETOP WHERE THE ARTISTS WORK AND WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS FUCKING DISGUSTING??????????
I mean seriously. Even my coworkers are artists....which is my new shorthand word for developmentally disabled because it is.
Or that I listened to some really satisfying podcasts (This American Wife which you should really check out and the Best Show with Chris Elliot who I love) but I just felt....good. And really glad that I was able to recognize that.
** I loved (LOVED) "You me and everyone we know" ( I am pretty sure I even wrote about it on this thing lo so many years ago) but you know what I didn't love? "No one belongs here more than you".
Maybe because the thing in the movie that caused the most physical/emotional unease was the (really)young kid/should-know-better adult relationships. Which didn't bother me in the movie. At all. In fact not being bothered by it maybe bothered me, but the fact that that mores appears in almost EVERY story in NOBHMTY (seriously, it's a lot) made me uncomfortable to the point that I wondered if Ms July has had some kind of hinkey abuse past and should maybe see a therapist about it.

7:45 a.m. - 2012-11-03

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