bethb's Diaryland Diary

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what am i saying?

i need to get back on the netflixin' stick.
i just sent back the devil and daniel johnston (awesome) and nacho libre (um....didn't really watch it) (it was on. in the back ground. i was doing stuff. wasn't always in the room. didn't feel it)
ok, so daniel johnston.

I have some of his records...being a college DJ in the early-mid 90's, of course. I guess maybe i assumed i knew more about him than i did.
i didn't realize that...i don't know that i have the vocabulary to write what i want to write without sounding mean.

i guess it was a surprise to me how normal he was as a teenager and how he's...i don't want to say deteriorated, but...well...yeah.

he's coming to baltimore at the ottobar and i think i'd really like to go.
i wanted to see his stuff in the whitney bienial last year, but i never made it up.
i haven't been to NYC in...god...two years? yeah. i guess it is.
i use to work with a woman here in DC who ran the costume shop. she was very precise. a little cold. very controlling. very together.
8 years later, she doesn't know her own name.

i know i'm a worrier by nature. and it's stupid to waste time worrying and thinking "What if".
i realized, yesterday actually, that i waste a lot of time not doing stuff because i'm afraid of Xhappening which will then render y either impossible or fruitless.
like painting my living room. i'd really like to paint my living room, but then i think "well, what if i move in the fall?"
but i've been thinking that for 3 years and i still have the same once-really-cool-but-now-a-little-sad wallpaper up there.
and when i say once really cool, i mean in 1951.
seriously folks.
original paper.
anyway, i can see a lot of traits in maryanne that i see in myself and i wonder if i have it. or if i will deteriorate.
i'm kind of worried about my mess.
which i know is also half born out of laziness and half born out of messiness.
and it's wholely embarassing.

but no one pops in to visit me anyway so why do i worry or who cares if my bathroom sink is caked in pink paint from two weeks ago as long as the water goes down.

how do you know you're ever truly normal? how do you know your brain isn't going to betray you?

what are the signs? is it when your friends stop calling you?

how did this start?
oh, yeah.
i've had the devil and daniel johnston out since march 3rd and i just returned it.

that's what i'm saying.

7:21 p.m. - 2007-04-25

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