bethb's Diaryland Diary

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could i still navigate?

wow, when did i become such a miserable, joyless fuck?

i don't mean fuck as in the verb, i mean as in the noun.

i've just been really...awful lately. it could be the stress i've put myself under as of late. i just wish i could enjoy stuff. like fireworks and not break out in a cold sweat panic attack thinking that the neighborhood kids are going to shoot my eye out.

saturday i went to this anti-art school thing where it was life drawing, and one of the girls kept moving and i was thinkg "god, she's a terrible model" but really? she wasn't a model. she was more of a burlesque performer, but she would hold poses for 1/3/12 minutes but she would squirm and move and talk and i was like "i'm here to do some life drawing dammit!" but then i stopped and thought about the situation and thought "man, i really need to lighten up".
also, recently, i've had really weird, strong specific memories pop up. mostly tied to songs.
last tuesday when i was in the PGCC scene shop building, the stupid radio station played a lot of dave matthews who i really don't have any interest in, but all of a sudden i started remembering all these things from the summer of 96 at VSF. and what a great summer it was. fun work. fun people. fun boys (oh kevin j...where did you go) fun drugs. getting high and trundling around colonial williamsburg...i really treasure that summer.
then last night coming home from the burlesque art thing, my ipod played "roadrunner" and my window was down and i remembered not being able to sleep the summer i spent in Chatam mass, working at the monomoy theatre, so i would hop into my big white station wagon and drive down route 28 till i felt tired and would drive back.
that was exactly 10 years ago this summer.
that was when i remember striking romeo and juliet over night and princess diana had just been in that car accident and Roger, one of the acting teachers from OU was there for that show as the friar, and roger's up on a ladder striking lights and alan rust saunters in, in his usual post 11 pm drunken state and says "well Roger, your princess (roger was from england, by the way) has DIED". so fucking rude. but so much about alan r was rude.
personally, i think alan was bitter roger was actually from england, and alan just had to pretend he was.
but i do miss the cape. it's so gorgeous. and a lovely drive...mostly.
and oh, the church benefit shops. completely amazing.
i'd like to go back. maybe in the fall. i wonder how much i'd remember. if i could still get around the area. i think about that for cape cod, and asheville north carolina

10:54 p.m. - 2007-07-08

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