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bethb's Diaryland Diary

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throwing in the towel

So I had a lunchdate yesterday- and I don't really like to write about dates and stuff here because of the inevitable googley-discovery which is awkward and weird so I will leave it at that because...I don't know. It wasn't awkward and weird. It was just boring. As many of the boys lately have been which automatically cues up the line in Liz Phair's 'Divorce Song' where she tells you 'Then you know that the problem is you'.
I hate the feeling right before a date. A few days before it might be excitement and what-if and hey! And then in the hours before it's all dread and oh-dear and 'what else could i be doing with this time'.
It doesn't help that I saw E on monday for a quick cup of coffee because i did him a favor and I can pretty much remember every detail about meeting him for the first time and it's been well over 5 years. To the point i remember his stupid hat and going into my office and playing the first disc of 69 love songs from the magnetic fields- the one that starts with Absolutely Cuckoo-while he spoke with chester in the office next door. And then a few days later i went downstairs to the woodshop to use the drill press and he put on the same CD and then some chisel.
Maybe it's dumb how close my heart is tied to my record collection, but i feel like it's all part of the puzzle.
Books, music, art...they're all important pieces and when they don't fit, the best you can hope for is boring. The worst is disasterous.
When I metroed to work in the morning, sometimes I would see this tiny little couple. Probably 30-31 years old. Neither was taller than 5'4". They were always very smartly dressed and I just knew they probably have a really great personal library. And a subscription to the Weekender version of the NYT. And probably do the crossword puzzle in bed together on sunday mornings, in ink.
And I envied them. The way he would gently touch her arm to steady her when the train jerked and their polished shoes and crease-free clothing.
Oh, I want them as dolls.
I told tina yesterday that I'm giving up and she said don't give up but I don't know what else to do. I honestly don't understand what it is about me that says to guys who live with their parents, or don't have jobs, or are recovering from substance abuse bouts that hey! you have a shot!
I know I'm one for the underdogs but I don't want to date them, ok?
So anyway...today I am going to make as much as I can for crafty bastards and then go to the zoo and some museums tomorrow. I need some inspiration.

9:47 a.m. - 2009-09-02

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