9:28 a.m. - 2022-12-30
Just hold tight
I don't know. I just don't know.
As much as I would like to say I'm looking forward to closing the door on a terrible year, I know that the last three years have just escalated. I don't want 2023 to take it as a challenge.
I don't want 2023 to say "remember 2022? You'll never know how good you had it"
Because there has been a lot of good, it's just that our brains are not wired to recognize the high moments; only the bad. And truly, there has been a lot of bad. Death of beloved friends, my mom, my aunt and uncle, I totaled my car. It's been a lot.

I remember living in my tiny studio apartment on Capitol Hill where they never raised the rent and alternately thinking I was living the greatest life ever b/w some moments where I was in despair, curled up on the floor wishing it would all end over truly stupid reasons. Some less stupid, but in hindsight it was all manageable.

And then out of nowhere, life would be amazing. Parties and friends and art and projects and then wham. There's the floor again.

After a few of these cycles, it finally occurred to me to try to remember the high points, even when the lows were so low because I had to trust they would come.
Just hold tight.

But now I don't know if I can trust. Instead I feel like I'm stepping on a forrest floor of dried moss and fallen, brittle twigs, waiting for a footfall to give way and to just plunge into an abyss I'll never pull myself out of.

So instead of looking forward, I am going to look at what I have. I have an adorable husband who I could not love more. I have a house with a roof that is only one year old and I have a new couch on the way. We all walked away from the accident and there was already a plan in place for me to get my mom's old car so this just forced the swap a little earlier.
I have two great cats and an amazing dog.
I have a room of my own where I can sew and paint and do whatever.
I have a great collection of friends and extended family.

May you similarly have the ability to recognize the good times, and know in the low times, that better days are up ahead.

Just hold tight.

previous - next