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what are you talking about?

i left work early because i really don't feel well. becky thinks i have menengitis because my neck and knees are stiff. i think i just haven't been sleeping well because of some stinking drama that's about to unfold in my life and i've been sworn to secrecey until this person knows more/makes a decision/gets on the ball.
i was sworn to secrecy because this situation is a big change in their life. and it's a good change. a positive change. it's just maybe not a 100% change. And the thing is, if it happens, it's completely going to uproot my life. There are three groups of people that this change will effect. For them it's likely a matter of filling the void and soldiering on. I'm hoping that's all it's going to be for me, at least temporarily. that would be the best case scenario. i can't discuss the worst case scenario because then anyone who reads this would understand who the other groups of people are and word would get out and this person wants to tell them first, as well they should.
I know this decision is a positive one, i just wish i was informed before hand. And really, if the worst case scenario happens, i have about three months before i need to make a huge change.
this is all so fucking enigmatic and i'm sorry, but i'm literally busting at the seams and on the verge of pulling my hair out because to have your future hinging on this one person, many people can tell you, is unfortunate. they are nice. they are sweet. they are not always to dependable.
So, anyway, i found out late saturday night and i didn't know how to react and when the person told me, they said "what are you thinking? i can't read you" and that's probably because i had so many questions and i was already not feeling terribly great about my state of life, because of the kc thing from thursday which compared to this is such a non issue.
the kc thing is disappointing but not unsurprising and not blindsiding and certainly not life-toppeling like this.
so.... i kind of lied. i did tell people. first, it's kind of rude the way this was just sprung upon me and like, "uh, yeah. guess what? your life is going to be completely different in three months and there's a chance that any comfort you had will be totally gone, but see? you can't tell anyone, because it's going to be uncomfortable for me and really, that's all that's important now. so put your life on hold for three weeks and just stew on this news, imagining ever terrible scenario you can, because otherwise, i might have to have some uncomfortable coversations with some people." i told one person, and i don't think they understood the complete ramifications which in my brain is WHAT ABOUT ME??????? and i got frustrated and then i called my wonderful brother scott and just broke down on the phone and scott even said "do you need me to come down there?" and i said no, but i kinda do want to see him. but his mere offer was so touching. i love my brother so fucking much.
then at work i told one person. i told eric. and eric totally got it. naturally. he was asking me all the same questions my brain has been shrieking non stop since saturday and all i could say is "i don't know".
well what if it doesn't happen? i don't know.
are they helping you............? I don't know.
what is ............going to do about...........?
the thing is, i've been wondering what to do about my future and my life and there's a chance that this is going to force the issue and stuff might be kind of scary for me for a little bit. i needed a kick in the pants, but this is a little severe. maybe.

maybe i do have menengitis and i'll be dead by morning. i'd better hide my porn.*

*not really. i don't have any. **

**ok, i do.

4:06 p.m. - 2006-08-15


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