bethb's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- please don't read this entry. it's crap I go through bouts of severe self annihilation and self affection. Right now i am in one of my annihilistic moods. Sean thinks perhaps I should try some way to modulate these swings, and I think he is correct. But I am honestly so scared that I believe it's at a point that the only way to control them would be with medication, and i ain't go'n out like that. I am tired of being up and down and up and down. Last Saturday (have you noticed I am trying to be more responsible with my capital letters? Why thank you!)I went to a coctail party honoring the guy who wrote 'Courting Chris'. The Capitol Hill Arts Workshop produced the piece and it was performed at the Church Street Theatre, which is a space in the NW that rents out their theatre...i think for 1000 a week maybe? It was a very clever play and even HBO thinks so, and they might be opting to buy the rights, so go Sam! C.H.A.W are all very nice nice people, and I did a show with them last January called 'The Spoon RIver Anthologies', based on the poem by Edgar Lee Masters. People kept telling me how much they liked the set, and one of the nicest compliment i've ever recieved was by the guy who was our music director, said something about 'how conceptual i was for such a young age'. he thought i was younger than i really am. but whatever. so why am i so scared and shakey now? why don't i try to make friends? i have grown petrified of people. fuck capital letters. they slow me down anyhow.... why did it sting when ryan nelson cornered me on the street, asking me why i was by myself, and how sad it was that i arrived alone, sat by myself, and left by myself. i know he didn't mean anything, but why can't i get it out of my head? why am i so fucking pathetic that i dont' even want to celebrate my birthday because all of my friends are scattered across the united states, and i never see any of them? michelle will come visit in july. i can't wait for that. i miss her sooooooo much. i feel like such an ass when i go to see shows and i see people who i would consider at least acquaintances...maybe not friends...and i can't even talk to them.... it's ridiculous. like at the poetry thing last tuesday that marc told me about, i went, i handed out my zine, even got an email back from someone who read it and liked it! but when ryan's birthday cake came out, i just totally fled. all i could think was 'what am i doing here? i'm not friends with these people! this is an intimate gathering! i have no business being here!'. so i grabbed my book bag and left. i felt like such an ass. especially after telling cynthia connely how much i admire her. i'm sorry you had to read that, and i'm hoping you didn't 18:18:12 - late saturday afternoon, May 13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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