bethb's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- yes, but... I wish i could kick whatever funk cloud is hanging over my head. I just don't feel like seeing the people i always see. I should go to roberto's play tonight and kaleo's bowl a thon tomorrow, but Tim Kinsella from Joan of Arc and Rainer Maria are playing....yes, but Kaleo's leaving for Philly soon...Yes, but i've already made plans....Yes but.... Maybe if i finish my rocket painting, i will be happier with myself. Maybe if my stupid haircut didn't look so god-awful, i'd be happier with myself. Maybe if i wasn't such a disgusting human being, i'd be happier with myself. I feel so small and insignifigant today...and last night too i guess. It's almost lonliness. I dunno. Is it wrong to be in love with a record? I think that if i could marry Hum's 'downward is heavenward' i'd be set for life. Then i could always have someone to whisper cryptic things like 'teach me the bluest song you know' in my ear. I'm sorting out my desk and book shelves in my new office two rooms away. I can hear the dismemberment plan. Maybe i have the jitters. as i was sorting some stuff out of my desk, i thought- what if i don't stop? What if i just clean every trace of beth b. out of this shop and call my boss and quit? Where would i go? what would i do? I would be so screwed. come to think of it, so would my boss. My goal this weekend is to learn the bass line to the promise ring's 'best looking boys'. it sounds pretty easy. i think i'm in a good place after only a month of lessons. I wonder if i'll ever feel confident enough to play with people. probably not. But at least now i am begining to understand the mathematics of music. I wonder if i had stuck with the flute and tried the guitar or something, if i would have been better in math. i wonder a lot of things....mostly second guessing some life choices. it's a hazard to your mental health when you begin to do that. I'm the only one here at work now. i think i'll finish cleaning up and maybe get some thai food. OOOh, stomach gurgle. evidently, that was the right thought. maybe there will be cute boys at rainer maria. maybe i can find me a nice blind one with low expectations. xoxo beth b. 22:29:06 - 2000-08-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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